The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
by Lulubird
Summary: Lexa struggles to navigate her attraction to Clarke with Costia's memory haunting her every move. (Multichapter)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: The Lexa/Clarke/Costia relationship(s) are so full of potential. There is so much emotion tied up in every single interaction between Clarke and Lexa and that only increases if you imagine Costia watching over it all. Please let me know what you think with an ever helpful review! -Lu**

 **Setting: Season 2 Episode 8 (Spacewalker)**

Every time she closed her eyes, Lexa saw the raw anguish that had twisted the features of the beautiful Skaikru leader as she'd begged for the murderer's life. It had taken so much willpower to keep her own expression neutral and her eyes blank when all she had been able to think about was the same way she'd begged for Costia's life.

Lexa sat alone in her tent, smoke from the hundreds of burning torches of her army snaking through the cracks on the cool night breeze. She sat on a stool, resting her elbows on the map of the Skaikru camp, her eyes locked on the tangled metal representing the Ark, but her gaze settled much further away.

"I never thought she'd kill him," she murmured, her fingers moving to the blade that had been confiscated from Clarke and now sat open in front of her. She traced the razor sharp edge with a fingertip, marveling at the strength it must have taken to plunge it into the body of someone she loved.

 _She saved him_ , Costia corrected quietly. _It was an act of love_.

Lexa didn't look up as the voice of her dead love filled her mind. She closed her eyes and breathed in, imagining that she could smell the lemon myrtle salve that Costia rubbed into her aching muscles and the juniper that she used to wash the mud from her hair.

"She was lucky," Lexa sighed, opening her eyes again, her shoulders sinking at the reality of being completely alone. She pressed one fingertip into the point of the blade and relished the slight jab of pain it brought.

 _Somehow I don't think she'd consider herself lucky_ , Costia said dryly. Lexa couldn't tell whether it was just her dark and odd sense of humour that laced her words or whether she was judging Lexa for what she'd done to the Skaikru girl. Costia would have used all the same arguments as Clarke in an attempt to talk Lexa out of sentencing the boy to death if she had been there.

It only made Lexa's chest clench with frustration once more at the powerlessness of her situation. Why did no one understand that she'd **had no choice**? The boy had sentenced himself to death the minute he'd sent that first bullet into one of her people. By the time he'd been bound to that pole his death was already written in time.

"She **was** lucky," she repeated with quiet anger. "She was lucky to save the person she loved from a cruel death. She was lucky to be with him…she was lucky to say goodbye."

Her voice caught on the final word and she pushed herself away from the table, striding across the small space and back again, painfully conscious of the walls that stood in her way at every turn.

 _You said you didn't believe in goodbyes_.

Breathing hard, staring out a torn window at the rolling hills of her sleeping army, she felt the breeze brush against her neck like fingertips. She exhaled slowly and tilted her head, longing for the real, loving, gentle touch.

"I never thought it would be **our** goodbye," she admitted heavily, her voice raw from the tears that constricted her throat.

 _No one ever does._

Lexa allowed the silence and cool air to lull her heart back into a normal rhythm before she continued. Closing her eyes for a second, she saw in a flash the tears shining on Clarke's cheeks as she turned from the boy's limp body, her hands stained in his blood. Her eyelids flew open again.

"She will never be able to forget what she did," she said sadly. "Every minute of every night and every day she will hate herself for causing his death. She'll see him in the shadows and in the blinding flash of the sun and her heart will skip as she forgets the truth for the briefest second. And then when she remembers, it will crush her till she's sure every rib in her chest will break and her heart will burst."

Costia was silent for a long time once she'd finished speaking, but Lexa could feel her grief and her pity thickening the air like smoke. Lexa turned from the window and sunk to the ground in a billow of her cloak, squeezing her eyes shut. There was a rustle of air that she could pretend was Costia kneeling beside her and she yearned for the soft touch on her shoulders that had always come next.

 _She's alive and so are her people. That is what matters. She's strong and she's brave and she'll be able to survive the pain because she did it for her people._

"What if it's not enough?" Lexa whispered painfully.

All she wanted was to feel Costia's skin against her own, warm and laced with a web of scars that told their history together as well as any of the symbols in the Skaikru books. She wanted to feel the lightest touch of fingertips on her body where now there only ever seemed to be armour. She had not felt the touch of another, not even a brushing of arms, since Costia had died and every day Lexa felt as though her skin grew colder and her heart grew darker.

She opened her eyes and took in the stillness and silence of her tent, her sword sitting on the table, her armour waiting on the chest.

"It has to be enough," she answered herself, rising wearily to her feet.


	2. Chapter 2

It was surprisingly easy for Lexa to slip past the guards in camp and out into the woods. She had complete faith in the men and women under Indra's command so she suspected they had been ordered to let her pass. She wasn't stupid – she took her sword, a dagger and her eyes never left the shadows as she paced through the trees – but she desperately needed to be free of the suffocating atmosphere of the camp.

As she paced out into the thickening woods she could feel the invisible bands of iron around her chest loosening. She inhaled great lungfuls of the crisp mountain air and closed her eyes as she envisioned it rushing through her body and cleansing everything in its path.

Sometimes she felt as though the only place she could think clearly was in the freedom of the woods.

The Trikru were on the brink of war with the Mountain and everything hinged upon the choices that Lexa made next. So why was her head filled with thoughts of piercing blue eyes and alabaster skin? In frustration, Lexa shook her head and slammed the flat of her palm against a tree.

 _Did that make you feel better?_ asked Costia with amusement.

"Shut up," Lexa retorted weakly, pressing her forehead against the rough bark of the tree's trunk. The rawness of nature grounded her when she felt as though she was spinning out of control.

 _Really? I thought the whole reason you came out here was to talk to me?_ Costia commented.

"What the hell am I doing?" Lexa murmured, pushing herself away from the tree. She turned her back to it and slid down to sit among the twisted roots and rotting leaves. She inhaled shakily, absorbing the damp smell of earth.

Costia didn't answer straight away. But Lexa had always been able to hear her thinking, like a low buzz in the back of her mind. When she did reply, it was in a tone heavy with emotion.

 _Isn't it obvious? You're falling in love._

Lexa let the word hang ominously in the air. It was the most dangerous word she knew. It caused a storm to break out within her as hope clashed with guilt and pain slammed into joy. She'd only ever loved once. And it had nearly destroyed her.

 _You think you're the only one to ever be hurt by love?_ Costia teased gently, though it sounded as though tears clogged her throat. It caused them to spring up in Lexa's.

"It's not love," Lexa defended desperately. "I love **you**."

 _And I love you. But love isn't a onetime deal. You are allowed to have it again._

"No!" Lexa said suddenly, leaping to her feet. "I'm not! I don't deserve it." Quietly she added, "I didn't even deserve you."

She closed her eyes as a breeze sprung up and she could imagine that the soft touch on her cheek was Costia's hand. She leaned into the touch longingly.

 _You're too harsh on yourself_ , Costia murmured tenderly. _I wish you could see yourself as I do. Or as Clarke does._

Lexa flinched at the sound of the name on Costia's lips.

"She'll see me as a monster soon enough, if she doesn't already."

 _No_ , Costia reassured, _she'll see someone who wants nothing more than what is best for her people; someone who is living a life she didn't ask for. She'll see someone who is brave and kind and capable of so much love. You're afraid, Lexa, that's all._

Lexa couldn't fault that. Her terror ran so deep that it haunted every waking and sleeping moment.

"I kissed her, Kostia," she admitted as if she were confessing to murder. She closed her eyes in shame but she couldn't stop the way her stomach tightened at the memory of Clarke's lips pushing back into her own and blonde curls tangled around her fingers.

 _I know,_ Costia said, her voice laced with sadness. _And it's alright._

"I don't want her," Lexa insisted, though she struggled to push conviction into her voice.

 _Yes you do_ , Costia disagreed sternly. _And it's alright. I know it doesn't mean you love me any less. But our time is over, Leksa. You have to see that. I want to be there for you, to make sure you remember to eat every day, and to let you cry, to remind you it's alright to have happiness and love, to show you how much you matter. But I can't anymore._ _ **She**_ _can. You have to let her, Leksa. Let her in. It'll kill me to see you alone._

With a sob, Lexa dug her nails into her arm until she broke the skin. She needed the pain to remind her of what was real. So many times since Costia's death, she'd wanted nothing more than to lie down in the woods till she slipped away and could join Costia forever.

"No," she said with furious guilt. "You were already killed. By me. It was my fault."

Costia sighed. _We've been over this. Sometimes I want to shake you until you realize that it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for what happened._

"Your family does," Lexa objected, determined as always to win the argument. They had discussed this a dozen times but Costia would never be able to convince her it wasn't all her fault. If she hadn't made her love for Costia so public they may never have targeted her. If she had insisted Costia come with her instead of letting her stay in Katadral. If she had never been chosen as Heda…

 _Then you wouldn't be the person I loved with all my spirit, Leksa_ , Costia scolded softly. _It was my choice to stay in Katadral and it was my choice to show how much I loved you. And I wouldn't ever change that. My family is grieving, they don't really blame you. You know that Thera prefers to be angry than ever admit she's hurting. Stop torturing yourself, Leksa. Please._

Her words were so desperate that they made Lexa's chest spasm in agony. She'd do anything to prevent Costia from ever feeling pain, in this world or the next.

"I don't know what to do, Kostia," she said like a small child. She threw her head back and looked to where the pale winter sky was visible through the branches. She didn't believe that Costia was up there as some did, but who knew? Miracles had already come from the sky.

 _Don't do anything_ , Costia urged with so much affection that it caused tears to rush to Leksa's eyes. The longing she felt for Costia was so painful sometimes that it made it hard to breathe.

 _Let yourself feel whatever you're going to feel. Let yourself love whoever you're going to love. Leksa kom Katadral has never let anyone tell her how to live her life or get in the way of what she wants, don't let yourself be an exception to that._

Costia's tone reminded Lexa of the way she used to scold her for forgetting to eat or leaving her boots out in the rain or being rude about her mentors. It hurt so much to miss her.

"I'm incomplete without you, Kostia," she insisted.

She could feel Costia smiling sadly.

 _Then what are you doing out here in the freezing woods? Go back to the camp and find her, Leksa, and let make you whole again._


	3. Chapter 3

The moon was shining straight through the balcony opening by the time Lexa was finally allowed to be alone. Before she'd become Heda, she'd never appreciated the sheer, overwhelming, glorious beauty in being alone.

She sat on the step to the balcony, dressed for sleep in her black nightgown, but unable to find the stillness needed for rest. She fidgeted, rubbing her injured hand up and down her leg and twisting the mass of hair that trailed over one shoulder. She'd fought for her life today and faced the probability of her own death but she was more nervous sitting in the moonbeams contemplating whether to go to Clarke's room than she had been at any point during the battle.

"Are you there?" she murmured softly, turning her focus inwards, trying desperately to find the little flutter in her mind that was Costia. She'd felt her alongside during the fight, known that she was guiding each swing of the sword and could feel her hands pushing her up when she fell. But in the chaos and the clamour since the Queen's death, her mind had been too full to feel her.

 _Always_ , Costia replied instantly, unfurling in Lexa's mind like the petals of a flower. Closing her eyes, Lexa envisioned the pattern of freckles across her sun-kissed shoulders, the flecks of amber in her burnished eyes and it brought a smile to her lips.

"I killed her, Kostia," she said unnecessarily, but it felt good to say the words aloud. The Azgeda Queen had been a sinister shadow in her life for so long. She'd crept into every dream and into every memory of her love and brought wave after wave of excruciating pain as she'd tortured herself with imaginings of Costia's final moments.

Lexa was reveling in the thoughts of Nia's death so thoroughly that it took her several moments to notice the stubborn silence in their conversation. Frowning, she rose to her feet and moved with silky rustle towards the balcony. Her injured hand throbbed as she clutched the railing, leaning out into the abyss, welcoming the cool breeze that caressed her prickling skin. She turned her gaze towards distant Katadral.

"You're angry with me," she said in puzzlement, remembering the tense silence that had always betrayed Costia's feelings. She felt her own pulse of annoyance at the marring of her victory.

 _You were nearly killed_. Costia's voice was soft but it was leaden with displeasure. Lexa's slight throb of anger blossomed.

"It doesn't matter," she snapped, turning from the view. "I avenged your murder, Kostia. That's all that matters."

 _No it isn't._

Lexa grit her teeth. She wanted to hear joy and pride and peace from Costia and she couldn't understand why she was angry that Lexa had killed the woman that had ripped them apart. It was the vengeance that she had been fantasizing about since the moment she'd woken to find Costia's mutilated head beside her on the pillow.

 _Do you think I'd want you dead for nothing more than revenge?_ Costia said acidly. _Do you think I'd be that selfish? I wouldn't have cared if Nia had lived a hundred more years as long as you were safe. You were nearly killed, Lexa, by_ _ **her**_ _. That would have been true torture._

Lexa was stunned into silence. Slowly, she lowered herself to the cool tiles, her nightgown pooling around her as dark and fluid as her own blood. She hadn't thought that Costia would have been angry at the risk she had taken. It made her feel sick to her stomach that she could have caused Costia more pain than even Nia and her inquisitors had. Her fingertips trembled as she raised them to her lips.

"I'm sorry," she breathed.

She felt Costia soften and closed her eyes, imagining the gentle touch to her chin that would have followed as Costia guided her to meet her gaze, tender and kind but burning with an intensity that Lexa had thought could never have been extinguished.

 _I wouldn't have been the only one to suffer,_ Costia murmured. Lexa's eyelids fluttered at the knowledge of who she was talking about. It still made her stomach squirm when Costia talked of Clarke and every time she thought of one she felt guilty about the other.

 _She begged you not to fight too._

"I had no choice," Lexa replied with the same stubborn tone with which she had replied to Clarke. "You know why I had to fight myself, Kostia. I've lost too much becoming Heda to let it be taken from me. I'd rather die than have your death be for nothing."

Costia sighed. They had reached a stalemate, as they usually did. That was the thing she had loved most about Costia: a difference of opinion had never meant disagreement. Even though they had rarely agreed on anything, somehow it had never mattered. Costia was like Clarke in her beliefs – perhaps that was what had drawn her to the Skai girl in the first place – that ideological, powerful, unwavering sense of justice and mercy that existed oblivious to the intricacies and complexities of the real world.

 _You should be talking to her, then._

Startled from her thoughts, Lexa flushed hot with guilt at the realization that she'd been caught thinking of nothing but Clarke. There was no bitterness or anger in Costia's words, only sadness and longing.

 _You need to go to her, Lexa. She's the one you need to talk to tonight. She's the one whose questions you need to answer, whose fears you need to calm. She is flesh and blood, she can give you what you need._

Lexa's whole body burned with self-loathing at Costia's heartbreaking words. She hung her head as if she could hide from the power of Costia's eyes upon her.

 _Don't do that, my love,_ Costia scolded gently _. It is not in our power to change what has happened. But you can control what will happen. She is your future, Lexa. Go to her. Go, Lexa._


End file.
